I have a secret I want to share with you. I know, I know, if I share it will no longer be a secret. But here goes….
I love babies.
My own babies, my nieces’ babies, babies at church and even babies I have never even met at the store.
I feel a bit overwhelmed with babies sometimes. I See Them Everywhere.
I am only 37 years old and I would love to have more babies.
You know, the babies that are the direct result of the love between your hubby and you? Yes……
But, my loving hubby says no more babies for us.
Now, here is the hardest part…I need to let the babies go. And I don’t want to.
I wrestle with the babies all of the time. God knows me, and I know He sees me. I often, okay, all of the time, hand the babies over to Him. Because I want another baby so badly some days that I end up in tears. Like right now…..I yearn to carry another life inside of me. To feel that babe grow and stretch and know that once the growing gets done, I have this perfect little tiny baby…that is all mine. sigh
This is a big deal for me. I know that my husband is pretty serious and I still tend to laughingly beat him up about it. I joke, I comment, I even (oh brother)…I even have tried the seduction route. And I need to stop. My hubby loves me and I am always trying my best not to nag but this…well, this is hard.
This is a battle that I fight (almost) with every intimate moment that my dear hubby and I spend together. Because I see that time as a direct result in bearing the fruit of this love that we have. Since this is supposed to be a joyous union, the devil is trying to steal that joy…and I almost let him.
So…every month, I wait, and hope and pray…that this might be the one time that God decides to push past the physical normalcy and begin creation anyway.
Then comes the hard part. The part where science does its normal thing and creation slips through my fingers again.
I cry and let the devil drop thoughts into my head. The ones that say, “He doesn’t love you enough”….”He doesn’t love them like you do”….”He’s only using you…..” Which, I know are all lies. Now, in the daylight, in the moments of right now, I know they are lies…again, it is hard…so very hard to let go.
Then I drag myself back to the throne and cry there, at the feet of the only one the hears my true heart. The one that knows my future and my path and it is all good…..all good.
Why the tears then? Oh, because I don’t trust Him enough….
Why the anger? Oh, because I know better…right?
I have a friend that also wrestled with the no more babies in her life. At the time of the discussion, I said I understood. I said I too have argued with God. But now that it is 4 years later, I have realized that I lied. I had no idea the heartache she was going through.
The thoughts bombard me and odd times…when I’m alone, when I’m at the store, even in the middle of a fuss with my oldest.
I think it is the lack of control I have over my life. The, hey, hand it over to God thing. Yeah, well, that is way harder that I thought it would be. It kinda stinks. It’s hard and I’ll be honest, I don’t think I like it much.
So, why can’t I Trust in The Lord with all my heart? And lean not on My on understanding? Because I am Flesh and Bone. And I am selfish. And I am guilty of Sin. Ultimately, I am the one that stinks.
I need Jesus. Each time that this thought of babies crosses my mind, I will stop, pray and hand it over to Him.
Because He does love me and I do not need a baby to satisfy that love. He fills up my empty void. He gives me peace and yes, He did already give me three precious little babes to care for anyway.
I don’t know what made me write about this today, but I hope that if you too are still struggling with wanting more and you are not getting that wanting filled…you too need to let it go and give it up to God.
He knows us better than we know ourselves, His plans always work out for good for those that love Him and He wants you (and I) to do the absolute best that we can with what (and who) we were given.
So, grab hold of the loved ones in your life and grab onto Him with the other hand and know that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
In His Grace.